Hey parents, so you think you were tired when I came along? Just look at what me and your new baby have managed to achieve now we’re working as a team.
You thought your hair couldn’t get any messier, your eyes couldn’t feel any drier and your clothes couldn’t be any dirtier. You were wrong!
The thing you need to understand is, you might have extra responsibilities since the new baby came along, but I don’t.
In fact, as the firstborn I still expect to have first refusal on all toys, all food and all of your attention. If you have a problem with that, if you’re struggling to fulfil those demands, guess what? I don’t care. I’m two.
Anything less than this will result in serious consequences. Such as lengthy tantrums, nap refusal and, just to really make my point, waking up in the middle of the night.
But the new baby is keeping you awake when you should be resting so that you have enough energy to play with me all day tomorrow.
To help you through this, and make sure you meet my expectations, here’s a few suggestions:
Just get up
Why are you just lying there when you could be up and playing with me? The breakfast isn’t going to make itself, you know!
Why waste time thinking about getting up, when you could just get up now. In case you forget it’s time to get up, I’m going to ask you to get up over and over again until you do it. I’m helpful like that.
Put on the TV
Do you want to eat your breakfast in peace? Then I suggest you put the TV on. And don’t even think about putting the news or that food programme on. Paw Patrol is what we need to watch. Obviously.
Take me out
Let the play see the park. I want to be outside running and flapping my arms. I want to pick up stones and lick them. I want to climb up something really, really high and then cry until you get me down. I want to throw sand in the air above my head and fill my shoes with it.
Then, I want to go to soft play. And the farm to feed the goats. Your attendance and enthusiastic participation in all of these activities is mandatory.
Read my mind
I often hear grown-ups talking about “phases” and “terrible twos”. What you fail to understand is I wouldn’t have to get cross about things if you could just get them right the first time.
I’m a pretty simple individual. I like chocolate, ice cream, CBeebies, the slide and bouncing. If you don’t know what I want before I ask for it, I’m going to be angry. And you won’t like me when I’m angry.
Put the baby down
The baby is constantly being held by you. I hate seeing that little person in the spot that should be reserved for only me. Put the baby down and give me a cuddle.
I don’t care if the baby is small and cries. And no, you can’t hold us both at the same time. Stupid.
Make my dinner first
What are you doing pulling your top down, again! You’ve been at it non-stop today. The baby cries all day long anyway.
I’m hungry now and I don’t want to wait. I want meatballs and pasta. No, I don’t want a sandwich.
Give me a bath
I want you to splash and play with all my toys. Not sit on the edge of the loo feeding the baby, again!
Do not even think about putting the baby in the bath with me. I will kick her and I won’t say I’m sorry.
I need a proper goodnight
I want a long story, a nice chat, a big cuddle and to be tucked in with a kiss like you did before the baby came along and messed everything up.
I can tell when you’re skipping pages of the book. I can’t read yet, but I remember how the story goes and you just missed the best part. Go back and do it again!
If I want to ask about where the stars go in the daytime, I will ask about it and I expect a proper response. I don’t want to hear you say; “they go home,” followed by a big yawn. I’m two, I’m not stupid.
Get more sleep
Everywhere we go nice people tell me what a brilliant sibling I am and they tell you to get more rest. These people are obviously very, very clever so you must listen to them.
If you had a proper night of sleep then you wouldn’t be so tired all day. This is where it all goes wrong. So what you need to do is sleep when I’m asleep. It’s so obvious, why haven’t you figured it out yet?
I’m sure the baby would sleep better if you didn’t keep getting up to pull your top down and feed her again. Listen to the nice people’s advice and get more rest. Really, you’re silly to not follow good advice like that.
I hope to see a lot of improvement in your parenting from now on.
But remember, even though I cry, shout and stamp my foot sometimes, I love you more than the moon, the sun and all the stars. And there are lots and lots of those.
X
Too funny, and just too true! #twinklytuesday
It is proper hard work to try and persuade a child to sleep. Mine used to be so God same stubborn X #twinklyTuesday
I don’t even have kids and this cracked me up!! Get that baby out of your arms 😀
#fortheloveofBLOG
This is just brilliant!!!! So funny , I totally recognise myself in the dark many babies days skipping bedtime story pages and attempting the 2 cuddles at once trick!! #fortheloveofBLOG
very true though mine is saying why are you doing homework and not playing with me #fortheloveofBLOG
Haha. Love blogs from a toddlers perspective. They know where it’s at!!
So true! So , so true! I have teens….now that would be a funny post to go alongside this!! #fortheloveofblog
My toddler totally expects me to read her mind – it drives me batty! She insists on a long bedtime routine too – I have to read no fewer than 6 books. #fortheloveofBLOG
Was chuckling all the way through this! Love it! #fortheloveofblog
This is hillarious and oh so true!! My little one loves licking stones ( and jumping on my head until I get out of bed!) Thankyou for brightening up my day #fortheloveofBlog
Thank you for the laugh! This is written so well! #fortheloveofBlog
Hi, this made me chuckle and very true #fortheloveofBLOG
Ha! A lovely read. Friends of mine shared this on our whats app group this week. Most of them have just had their second baby and related so much to your words!! My first is nearly 3 and second 15 months but I remember those bath times sat on the loo feeding like they were yesterday.
That’s lovely to hear! Always nice to know you’re all in the same boat. Xx
Oh that made me laugh. If only a good night of sleep were possible hey! #fortheloveofBLOG
This is brilliant! #twinklytuesday
Been there! It gets better, though. Wills is 15 months now and Amelia is 3 and a half. They played for nearly an hour together in the bath this evening while I perused Instagram and occasionally topped up the hot water! Yes to that!! #fortheloveofBLOG
That sounds brilliant! Looking forward to when mine will do the same x
“I’m two. I’m not stupid!” Classic! v funny post- I hope you manage some proper sleep soon! #fortheloveofBLOG
Thank you x
Who needs sleep when you have caffeine and chocolate?! If my 3 year old could write I’m sure his blog would be a lot better than mine! #fortheloveofBLOG
Haha, yeah they’re so witty! X
Hi this is so funny but oh so true.#fortheloveofBLOG
Thank you x
Lol, this explains toddler life very well!
#fortheloveofBLOG
Ah, thanks very much x
The skipped naps are so blooming frustrating – it’s like, just go to sleep child!!! Great post and all so true!! Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Yes that is so so frustrating! Thanks lovely x
loved this so much. And was nodding all the way through. Miniature lords of terror toddlers are. Mine will be 4 in march, it’ll be better then…right?! #bigpinklink
I really hope so! X
this is brilliant!! I can totally imagine Ben being like this if he had a sibling!! #fortheloveofBLOG
I’ve only got the one, but it still sounds pretty familiar! Particularly the Paw Patrol for some peace and quiet. Not sure how I bore a chatterbox as I’m not a big talk myself but my god can she talk…unless Paw Patrol is on. Equal parts love and loathing from me! Thanks for sharing and I hope you do manage to squeeze some sleep in there x #BlogCrush