Welcoming a new baby is such a whirlwind that you have to laugh amidst the chaos! So these funny baby quotes are perfect for new parents.
As becoming a parent is one of the biggest shake-ups to life you’ll ever experience – I think my head is still spinning 9 years later – there are plenty of crazy moments to joke about.
These funny quotes on babies are perfect for reading on the tough days – when you need to see the lighter side.
You can use these in your social media baby captions – to accompany your funny and cute baby photos – as well as to bring a smile to your face!
Short funny baby quotes (perfect for captions!)
Let’s start with some short funny baby quotes that work perfectly as captions for your social media posts! Share your cute baby pictures with these hilarious words.
1. Spit up is my only accessory these days. No outfit is complete without it.
2. Parenthood: The scariest hood you’ll ever go through!
3. Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park that is.
4. My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well played.
5. You’re my favourite reason to lose sleep!
6. People who say, they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one. – Leo Burke
7. First they steal your heart. Then they steal your bed!
8. May your coffee be strong, and your baby’s naps be long!
9. Parenting a newborn is 10% parenting and 90% wishing for sleep.
10. Will smile for milk.
11. If only I could get Alexa to change diapers!
12. She thrives on love, we survive on caffeine!
13. We’ve got a new boss in this office!
Funniest baby quotes
Here are the funniest baby quotes – featuring remarks made by celebrity parents, parenting experts and famous sayings about babies.
14. You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict. – Blake Lively
15. Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. – Carol Burnett
16. Having a new baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate. – Anne Lamott
17. 24/7. Once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer! – Jodi Picoult
18. Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantsless when your baby walks around pantsless. – Tina Fey
19. I’m a walking zombie and I think I’m going to be like that for a while. – Tiffani Amber Thiessen
20. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? – Milton Berle
21. In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television. – Erma Bombeck
22. A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops. – Maurice Johnston
23. The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. – Lane Olinghouse
24. None of it is real until all of a sudden they’re standing there covered in slime and crying. You’re like, wait a minute, what is that? – George Clooney
25. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. – Erma Bombeck
26. You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants!
27. How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting? – Steve Guttenberg, Three Men and a Baby
28. Babies are always more trouble than you thought – and more wonderful. – Charles Osgood
29. Don’t ever tell the mother of a newborn that her baby’s smile is just gas. – Jill Woodhull
30. Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse. – Nia Vardalos
31. The only things kids wear out faster than their shoes are their parents. – John J. Plomp
32. Welcome to parenthood, where your favourite new game will be ‘guess that bodily fluid.’
33. There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you. – Peter De Vries
34. Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. – Olivia Wilde
35. ’Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent, you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary. – Jimmy Fallon
36. A baby’s a full-time job for three adults. Nobody tells you that when you’re pregnant, or you’d probably jump off a bridge. Nobody tells you how all-consuming it is to be a mother – how reading goes out the window and thinking too. – Erica Jong
37. I was on planes [and] when babies would cry, I would be mad at the families. Now I’m like, ‘Let them cry, let them do whatever they want. They can sit on me and poop if they want.’ Now I know more. – Mindy Kaling
38. Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it. – Marshall McLuhan
39. You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. – Franklin P. Jones
40. They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying, they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple. – Matthew McConaughey
41. Having children is like living in a frat house- nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. – Ray Romano
42. Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. – Jim Gaffigan
43. If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. – Dave Barry
44. When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilise it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: ‘Fetch!’ – Bruce Lansky
45. Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children. Now, I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot
46. They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest because she was spitting up so much. – Jimmy Fallon
47. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller
48. I actually have a lot in common with my baby. We both require a bottle at the end of the day!
49. Congrats, you’ll soon live in a madhouse run by a tiny army you created yourself.
50. I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. – Robert Orben
51. Parenthood: the scariest hood you’ll ever go through.
52. No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant. – Amy Leslie
53. Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. – Tina Fey
54. A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house. – Milwaukee Journal
55. A crying baby is the best form of birth control. – Carole Tabron
56. My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have because one kid’ll take up 100 percent of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100 percent of your time. – Karen Brown
57. A child enters your home and for the next 20 years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad. – John Andrew Holmes
58. Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realise this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. – Ray Romano
59. Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us? – Alyson Hannigan
60. When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. – Erma Bombeck
61. If parenthood came with a GPS, it would mostly say ‘recalculating.’ – Simon Cholland
62. Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit. They hold the baby and I go out.
63. No matter which kid’s book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy. – Ryan Reynolds
64. Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too. – Lionel Kauffman
65. Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. – Mark Twain
66. Ma-ma does everything for the baby who responds by saying Da-da first. – Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
67. I didn’t know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child. – Loretta Lynn
68. Birth: The first and direst of all disasters. – Ambrose Bierce
69. A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
70. Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say,
71. If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma. – Theresa Bloomingdale
72. As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realisation that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50 percent glitter. – Andrew K. Keller
73. Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. – Marcelene Cox
74. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. – Jon Stewart
75. The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing. – Kin Hubbard
76. If you want to know what it’s like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you are drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid. – Jim Gaffigan
77. You know, it’s incredible. When you first get them, you’re all excited, and you’re, like, ready to do all these things. And then you realise it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet… but it looks really cute. – Ashton Kutcher
78. Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. – Fran Lebowitz
79. You will always be your child’s favourite toy. – Vicki Lansky
80. I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement. – Tina Fey
81. Babies are such a nice way to start people. – Don Herold
82. When kids hit one-year-old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold on to them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit. – Johnny Depp
83. There are only two things a child will share, willingly communicable diseases and his mother’s age. – Dr. Benjamin Spock
84. Perfection only exists in babies and pastries. – Gayle Wray
85. Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us. – Jerry Seinfeld
86. A parent is someone who carries pictures where their money used to be.
87. I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. – Harry S Truman
88. The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain’t spitting it out. ― Justin Halpern
89. Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years, I spent without a child, of course. – Ryan Reynolds
90. A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
91. Watching teething babies is like watching over a thermonuclear reactor. It is best done in shifts, and by well rested people. – Anthony Doerr
92. After you have a baby people in restaurants with crying kids are the opposite of annoying. You’re just thrilled it’s not you having to deal with the it!
93. Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. – Ed Asner
Funny baby quotes for tired parents
One thing is certain for new parents, after baby arrives you will be tired! One of the best ways to get through those exhausting early days is to find a way to laugh through it.
Check out these funniest quotes about how tiring being a new parent can be.
94. Ninety percent of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.
95. Before sunrise, he’s your son. – Mufasa, The Lion King
96. I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.
97. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is something only people without kids say.
98. When you have a baby sleep is not an option. You can’t sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m. – Jimmy Fallon
99. Having a baby means your heart increases in size but your brain diminishes into fuzz.
100. Our baby in particular is, we think, allergic to sleep. We think that she thinks that she’s protecting us from the sleep monsters. She’s like ‘Oh, I gotta keep them up or the sleep monsters will get them.’ – Ryan Reynolds
101. Stress? You don’t know stress until you’ve tried putting a sleeping baby into their own bed.
102. Babies are cutest when they’re someone else’s problem.
103. The first night your baby sleeps eight hours straight, you think you’d celebrate. Instead, you will run into their room like ‘Oh my god, are they breathing?’
104. Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life.
105. Sleep is like the unicorn – it is rumoured to exist, but I doubt I will see any. – Dr. Seuss
106. That moment when you go to check on your sleeping baby and their eyes ping open so you drop to the floor and roll out of the room like a ninja.
107. You know you’re old when you barely do anything all day but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything.
108. Sleep? Yes, I have a vague recollection of what that was like.
109. Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents. – Shannon Fife
Final thoughts
I hope these quotes have made you chuckle!
If you want more quotes about babies then you may love these quotes for baby’s first month or my quotes for a baby girl’s first birthday and these quotes for a baby boy’s first birthday.
