They’re less than a week in to the job, but Meghan’s posed for pictures in front of the world’s media in a white dress (bravest new mum ever) and Harry is already back at work.
It would seem Meg and Haz are totally bossing this parenting lark, but even when you’re royalty, there are several realities of parenting that are unavoidable.
The hellish wake-up call
Everyone tells you that a new baby means no sleep. Harry has probably been putting up with William’s complaints about George and the gang for years.
But until you actually have to live through sleep deprivation, you have zero clue what it’s actually going to feel like.
A couple of nights of bad sleep because you’re worried about work or were out on the lash the night before do not prepare you for the torture of a newborn baby’s nighttime antics.
It’s not just that you’re tired, it’s that you manage to drop off for about five minutes (just enough to be properly asleep) when the little bugger starts crying yet again.
Being the cool aunt and uncle is one thing. You can have fun, impart wisdom, and then hand them back to their parents thinking “Wow they’re so fun, I can’t wait to have our own”.
Being responsible for the daily survival of a tiny human is seriously stressful. Combine that with the lack of sleep and it’s like being dowsed with a cold bucket of water.
All the bodily fluids
Girls wee on their clothes, maybe your hand if you’re unlucky. Boys wee in your face.
No matter how much you remind yourself to keep the butt covered during nappy changes, eventually you will slip up – normally due to the sleep deprivation. And it’s that moment when your baby will decide to empty their bladder. At you.
It could be worse than a wee in the face though. Babies who aren’t on solids can fire poo right across the room. Seriously. Our eldest once shat on themselves, the changing mat, the floor, the door, and the wall OUTSIDE the room. She pooped across two rooms!
Eventually all couples have a falling out over who is more tired. This normally happens immediately after one parent yawns and complains they had the worst night sleep ever the night before.
You don’t know true wrath until you’ve looked over at your snoring other half while stumbling out of bed for the 10th time in a row.
Cutting your baby’s nails is terrifying
It’s like diffusing a bomb. The pressure to complete the job without inflicting injury on the tiny innocent baby is intense. And yet they won’t stop flapping their arms about, and their nails are miniscule.
The maternal instinct is a load of bollocks
You don’t “just know” what to do. In fact you’ll probably spend a large portion of the first year either frantically Googling for answers or opening the door to the Amazon delivery person (because early hours shopping is impossible to avoid and you will buy anything if it promises to solve your lack of sleep).
The suggestion that you give birth to the baby and then just magically know what they need is a fairytale invented by the same people who coined the phrase “breast is best”.
Becoming fluent in CBeebies
However self-righteous we might start out at the beginning of our parenting journey, eventually we all turn to children’s TV in the end.
Soon Harry and Meg will be able to recite every one of Mr Tumble’s greatest hits, and break out into song every time the Peter Rabbit theme song comes on.
“So, when’s the next one?”
The stitches on your second degree tear are still fresh, but people will still ask when you’re planning baby number two.