As I watch this year’s gang of celebrities complaining about the lack of food and shrieking as a disinterested baby croc swims past them, I can’t help but wonder what on earth the fuss is all about.
Bushtucker Trials aren’t pleasant, but then again neither is parenting.
There are times when spending three weeks in the jungle with Noel Edmonds making constant “no deal” jokes would be far more preferable than attempting to get a wailing baby to latch on at 2am.
The trials on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here are disgusting, but there’s nothing slimier, stickier or more terrifying than a child – especially one who has decided they’re allergic to sleep.
So here are the trials of parenthood, aka the Babytucker Trials, that make a spell in the jungle look like a walk in the park.
1. Toilet of terror
Is there anything worse than the first poo after giving birth? I don’t think I can think of many things more unpleasant than feeling like your bottom might actually fall off.
2. The Poo-plosion
Get ready for the fight of your life as you struggle to clean up a mess with the consistency of mud. It’s made trickier as you’ll be trying to hold down a child doing their best impression of a hyperactive eel.
Also let’s not forget that first baby poo, which is like attempting to clean up sticky tar while your hands are shaking from sleep deprivation and blood loss. Sitting in a box with a few bugs is like a trip to Disney by comparison.
3. Snot funny
Rivers of snot run from your child’s nose in an unstoppable stream. The challenge here is to always have a tissue on hand. Try as you might, there aren’t enough tissues in the world to stop the flow of bogeys from the nostrils of a one-year-old with a cold.
After a day of wiping you’ll find tissues up your sleeve and down your bra, plus there will be snot smeared over everything you own.
4. Decision impossible
It’s a challenge even Tom Cruise would break a sweat over.
One child pelts off in one direction towards open water while the other races off towards a busy road. No stars up for grabs here, but you could win yourself a few dirty looks from strangers.
5. Fill your face
Your kids decide its pleasant to half chew some food before mashing it into your face before you have a chance to duck.
The worst part is that 99 per cent of the time they’ve just picked it up off of the floor. I can guarantee the jungle chef takes way more care when he’s serving up a platter of witchetty grubs.
6. Vom bomb
Vomit strikes without warning and smells like your feet after a 20-mile hike.
The challenge is that you’ll carry a muslin around with you all day and the vomit will make an appearance just as you’ve put it down.
Toddler vomit is a whole other ballgame. Changing vomit-filled sheets in the middle of the night while attempting to stop a vomit-covered child from rubbing themselves all over you is worse than any encounter with snakes and slime.
7. Not so silent night
All the sleepless nights. There is no greater trial than the lack of sleep. There’s a reason why the SAS use it to train the recruits. Because it reduces even the toughest of individuals into a dribbling, weeping mess.
The trial is made tougher by intermittent comments from people asking if you’ve tried X, Y or Z.