Dear Meg…

Dear Meghan, 

I hope I can call you Meghan, or maybe even Meg? It’s a lot less formal than the Duchess of Sussex for sure, but soon you’ll be joining a club where we are ALL on first name terms. 

The mums (or moms as you might say) club doesn’t require you to be married to a prince, or be mum to someone in line to the throne, you just need to have a baby.

It’s way less glamorous than the royal family but more relaxed, because there’s no etiquette, no rules (apart from try not to kill your kid) and no need to get glammed up for the occasion. In fact, PJs are pretty much required for the first three months. 

Pregnancy is exciting, even if you vom all day like Kate did or your ankles swell up like water balloons. It’s the first pregnancy that’s particularly magic. 

You and Haz (in my dreams we’re on nickname terms)  must be so excited. It’s probably a bit tough for you to attend an NCT class, what with the paps on your tail 24/7 looking for cute bump shots. 

So I thought I would share with you a bit of my own experience, from mum to mom. 

Birth plan

Everyone will tell you that you need one. You don’t. Write down a few preferences if it makes you feel any better, but if you’ve pinned your hopes on a water birth with no pain relief or intervention and plinky plonky music playing in the background, prepare yourself for disappointment.

It could happen of course, but no birth is the same and you can’t control how it all goes down. One minute you’re fine, the next you’re in theatre with your legs in stirrups and a masked-up doctor wielding a pair of forceps that look big enough for birthing cows. 

But don’t be scared Meg, because honestly however it happens once you get that little bundle of joy in your arms, you won’t give a toss. 

The first week

It’s all go go go and exciting as everyone wishes you congrats. Even the most level-headed and calm of people can lose their shit at this time though. 

If you’re trying to breastfeed, this is the hardest part. Haz will be a legend no doubt, but this is something you kind of have to figure out on your own. Practice the latch, ask midwives for their advice and if you need to supplement with formula, tell that arse mummy guilt to sod right off. 

Visitors will be piling in. Make sure you and Haz agree on time limits, and don’t overdo it in the early days. You need time to mentally adjust to this beautiful thing that’s just happened to you. 

I’m sure you also don’t want to be getting poshed up for the Queen every day, lovely as she is. 

You have a LOT of lovely cream and white outfits. They look expensive. I would pack those away for a while. Say, the next 18 years. 

All the judgement

You’ve given speeches in front of thousands of very intimidating people, held your wedding in front of the entire world and faced the judgement of Hollywood as you tried to make it as an actor, but nothing will prepare you for the judgement that comes with parenthood

Whether you’re breastfeeding or formula feeding, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, whatever your choices, everyone will have an opinion on it. 

As the most recent new mamas in your family, Kate and Zara should be shielding you from this rubbish, they know it’s irritating as fuck. 

Gifts

Golden booties from India, a hockey jersey from Canada, an inappropriate card from the President of the United States. You’re going to receive a whole lot of stuff you don’t really want or need. 

Although you live in a palace and I was living in a three-bed semi when I had my first, I imagine the present to house size ratio will work out about the same given how many people will want to send you stuff. 

My advice. Don’t stress about using it all, but make sure you get pictures of your little royal pumpkin in clothes gifted by the in-laws (you don’t want to piss them off).

Your bod

Love your new mum bod, because it’s bloody amazing and deserves to be indulged at 3am when you’re craving ice cream.

Also, as you have the power to do it (probably), can you please make it illegal for papers to use the phrase “post-baby body”, especially when used with the terms “sensational”, “svelte” and “stunning”.

I hope these words of advice will be useful to you Meg. 

The thing that I remind myself of most of all is that sometimes you will lose your shit. Everyone loses their shit. The trick is, to give less shits about losing your shit.

Congratulations, and welcome to the club. 

Lots of love

V

x

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