The real parenting awards

Being a mum is a thankless task.

We do it for the love of course, but it’s nice to get a little recognition every now and then. 

There are awards for celebrity mums and dads, so I thought it was about time we got real and started giving out gongs to the people who really deserve it. 

These are for the parents who are in the nappy-filled trenches day after day, for the parents who just dropped off to sleep at 4am only to be woken by their alarm clock an hour later, for the parents who get shit done in the face of tantrums, vomit and mud pies on the living room floor. 

There are no shiny trophies to go with these awards, but let’s face it, your kids would just shove them down the toilet anyway. 

So these are for you tired mama!

The zero sleep award

A special award given to the mama who didn’t sleep a wink thanks to a tiny night owl. This honour does not require any activity or goals to be completed, just the ability to keep going for another day with your stubborn limpet. 

The fish finger award

Presented to the mama who feeds her kids food, whatever that food might be. This award recognises that food comes in many shapes and sizes. 

Food does not have to be prepared from scratch at every meal, or organic, or achieve three out of the holy five-a-day, it just have to be something your kid will eat happily in order to keep them alive. 

The whatever it takes award

Awarded to the mother who did what had to be done to get through the day. Brave feats include sticking on CBeebies all afternoon because you had a to do list a mile long, or bribing the little angels with chocolate in order to convince them to put their shoes on. 

The best actress award

Given to the mum who is able to pull off a convincing lie told to an inquisitive toddler which effectively influences their behaviour in the way she intended. 

For example, telling them your chocolate biscuit contains alcohol in order to prevent theft of the first treat you’ve allowed yourself all day. 

The Ocean’s Eleven award

Given to the mother who manages to pull off the most daringly audacious acts. This may include carrying a baby while also juggling multiple bags of shopping and still managing to get the door open.

The go go gadget award

Given to the mama who finds a creative use for everyday household and baby items. This may include fashioning a baby outfit out of a muslin because there’s no clean onesies left, transforming a useless baby bath into a sandpit or using baby wipes to clean every inch of your home, shoes and jewellery. 

The bravery award

Given to a parent who has shown extreme courage in the face of potentially devastating situations. This may include allowing finger painting in the living room while you are distracted by other things, or leaving a vase of flowers on a low shelf. 

The bedtime award

Awarded to the mama who manages to get through bedtime and all its frustrations – reading the same book 10 times, toothbrush arguments and screams of “I’m not tired” – without losing their shit. 

The fashionista award

This gong goes to the mama who rocks the slightly stained tee, who wears white trousers against their better judgement, who is anything but mumsy and sensibly avoids buying anything that’s dry clean only. 

The parenting goals award

A special recognition award for those moments when it just goes right. It might be that the baby went down for a nap within five minutes of being put in their bed, it could be that your kids played together quietly for a full 20 minutes, or it might be you managed a trip to the park without incident. Whatever the achievement, however small, it 100 per cent deserves recognition. 

Which award would you get?

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