Sorry I’ve not written in a while, but to be honest Christmas became less about presents and more about booze some time ago.
You see, I learned that you weren’t real in my childhood many years ago, much to my horror and dismay. It was a fact flung casually my way in the playground at primary school. I tried to keep my cool as my brain went into overdrive. “So mum and dad have been lying all this time? Who the hell eats the mince pies and carrot??”
So I know you’re not real. And yet still I’m writing you a letter.
I’m attempting to communicate with someone whose only physical embodiment I’ve ever encountered was actually an overweight guy called Steve who just needs the extra money every December.
It seems that sleep deprivation has finally left me stark-raving bonkers.
But I’m desperate Santa. And you’re all about the miracles, so I’m here to lay it all out for you in the hope that maybe I’ll be granted a Christmas miracle of my very own.
The problem, Santa, is that I haven’t slept in over a year.
I should probably just clarify that by adding of course I have been asleep. I think I read somewhere that you can actually die if you don’t sleep (yes I have Googled the topic extensively).
But it’s not real sleep. It’s not that turn off your light and then suddenly it’s 8am kind of sleep.
Nope, it’s snatching an hour if you’re lucky before being dragged like you’re weighed down by iron shackles out of sleep.
My kids are lovely, healthy and cute, which is lucky for them because it would make this nonsense a whole lot harder to swallow if they weren’t.
But they just won’t sleep for a whole night. Between the two of them, someone is always up at some point in the night.
Sleep deprivation is hard in the early weeks, it’s difficult in the following months and now at one year it’s just fricking personal.
There’s no reason for these kids to be waking up. They get oodles of food, love and attention in the day.
I understand you will find this problem difficult to understand because:
1. You love kids unconditionally.
2. You only work one night a year and so have plenty of time for snoozing.
3. You probably have no f***ing idea how hard Mrs Claus works behind the scenes to make sure you look good every December 25th.
So Santa I need to reclaim the nights. I need to get some serious sleep before I start sleepwalking through my life.
I know I’m asking you to abuse your power. You normally bring teddy bears, dollies and the odd light sabre. I’m asking you to cause two kids to shut their eyes and stay that way for 12 hours a night.
But it’s Christmas, and at Christmas love is all around, magic is in the air and, most importantly, silent is the night.
So forget the smellies, I don’t want any chocolate and you can even forget the booze. Please just make my kids sleep through the night.
A very tired mummy
PS. If you can stretch to something else, could you possibly send Tom Hardy too? Thanks.
Sign your name in the comments below if you’re asking Santa for the same thing!