The tale of the princess and the bulls**t-eating inner critic

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess.

She lived in a castle, also known as a three-bed semi, with her handsome prince (a girl can dream). One day, over a bottle of the finest Sauvignon in the land, the prince and princess decided they would love to have a little baby to make their life in the castle complete.

But no sooner had the princess peed on a stick and discovered the happy news that she was with child, her bulls**t-eating inner critic was awakened.

The bulls**t-eating inner critic had laid dormant since her awkward teenage years but was now wide awake and ready to wreck havoc.

It greedily gobbled up the endless words of completely crackers advice from ageing relatives and well-wishers. It thrived and grew as the princess read book after book about pregnancy and the early months with a newborn baby.

The pregnant princess was mostly able to keep the bulls**t-eating inner critic at bay, for she was sleeping on a bed of a hundred mattresses and she had eaten the pea hidden underneath during a frantic snack attack one night.

Then one day the blessed child was born and people flocked to visit from all around the kingdom, regardless of the time of day and with little thought to disturbing naps.

They brought with them gifts for the baby, but also more material for the bulls**t-eating inner critic to chew on.

There were remarks on sleep routines, advice on colic, words of wisdom on breastfeeding.

And then one stormy night, with the little baby sobbing endlessly, the princess turned to the wicked witch Google for help.

It showed her the words of a million different people, each claiming to have the right answer. They cried swaddling, pick up-put down, white noise, bouncy chair, massage, dream feed, routine, nap schedule, early weaning.

As she was bombarded with more and more information the princess found herself trapped in the useless limbo that is the AIBU forum. And in here the bulls**t-eating inner critic thrived and doubled in size.

And finally its voice grew louder than the princess’ inner cheerleader, who was quite squeezed out by the now-obese bulls**t-eating inner critic.

It whispered dark words of deceit into her ear. Words such as failure, wrong, and bad mum.

And so the kingdom fell to wrack and ruin as the princess could not keep up with her royal duties, so desperate was she to find the answer to keep her little baby safe, fed and happy.

But the bulls**t-eating inner critic was not satisfied.

It plagued the princess with worry about whether her baby was gaining enough weight or suffering from reflux and if she should continue breastfeeding.

The tale of the bulls**t-eating inner critic

The princess was lost in the forest of discontent

The princess, desperate to enjoy a proper night in dreamland, was trapped in the dark forest of discontent.

Then one magical day, the princess gazed at her baby and the baby gazed back at her. The child gurgled and then smiled so widely that even the birds chirped louder and the rainbows became brighter.

At last the princess discovered the truth. Her baby was just being a baby. She was not wrong after all, so many months spent worrying if she was failing when her perfect baby was right here all along.

The bulls**t-eating inner critic at last was silenced as the inner cheerleader beat him with her pom-poms until it was just a tiny part of the princess’ inner thoughts.

The kingdom at last was a happy place again, although still a tad messy.

The bulls**t-eating inner critic would still forever be a part of the princess. But she had finally gained the power and wisdom needed to tell him to just shut the f**k up.

The End




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  1. September 19, 2017 / 6:56 am

    LOVE this! We all pay too much attention to our inner critic in those early days, instead of just trusting ourselves to figure things out as we go along. #dreamteam

  2. September 19, 2017 / 8:35 am

    I LOVE THIS! This is the perfect story that every mum should read to help her win the battle against her bull*** inner critic x

    • September 20, 2017 / 9:24 pm

      Ah thanks so much, really pleased that you enjoyed it x

  3. September 19, 2017 / 9:18 am

    Love this! Parenting is hard enough, without us putting ourselves under lots of pressure too!

    • September 20, 2017 / 9:25 pm

      Yes you’re absolutely right there. Way too much prsssure as it is! X

  4. September 19, 2017 / 1:42 pm

    So true. We all find our own way in the end regardless of the advice and 4am mumsnet reading.

    • September 20, 2017 / 9:26 pm

      Haha, yes we certainly get there in the end. Thank you x

  5. September 19, 2017 / 2:01 pm

    Laughed so hard at the eating of the pea during the snack-attack! Love it x

  6. September 19, 2017 / 2:03 pm

    Absolutely love this! The AIBU forums have stolen so many hours of sleep. May the bulls*t-eating inner critic forever rest in peace! x

    • September 20, 2017 / 9:28 pm

      Thanks lovely, those AIBU forums can be entertaining but mostly they’re just totally destructive! Xx

  7. September 19, 2017 / 3:19 pm

    I know we are our own worst critics and cant not even imagine what it must have been like but glad the inner critic has been silenced.

  8. September 19, 2017 / 8:54 pm

    Love this!! The best type of fairytale! I’m so glad the princess triumphed over the bulls*t-eating inner critic! Thank you so much for linking this up with #DreamTeam!

  9. September 19, 2017 / 9:15 pm

    Had me in stitches. Loving the snack attack.

  10. September 19, 2017 / 9:23 pm

    Such a great post. We all have that inner critic and becoming a parent gives endless opportunities for other people, ourselves and Google to feed it. Sometimes it’s hard to shut it up!

    • September 20, 2017 / 9:32 pm

      Thanks so much. It’s so hard to turn off that voice, particularly in those early weeks when everything is such a slog x

  11. September 19, 2017 / 11:01 pm

    What a brilliant way to describe what every mum goes through as they become a parent. Love this!

  12. September 20, 2017 / 8:02 am

    This is so true! It took me so long to realise that my baby was normal and her waking up was normal. It suddenly became much easier to handle once I accepted that and ignored
    The thousands of other voices #BloggerClubUK

  13. September 20, 2017 / 8:43 pm

    Hi, i loved readubng this post right from the start, many of us are guilty of having that inner critic but the princess won in the end #fortheloveofblog

  14. September 20, 2017 / 9:49 pm

    Such a moving post, it’s vital we overcome the self-doubt and realise how great we are. Thank you for the reminder x

  15. September 21, 2017 / 12:30 pm

    Popping back over from #coolmumclub…you know I love this already! xoxo

  16. September 21, 2017 / 10:22 pm

    That inner critic is a b***h! I love this so much! It never goes away, but I’ve definitely learned to beat mine down when it gets too big for its boots! #coolmumclub

  17. aliduke79hotmailcom
    September 22, 2017 / 1:32 pm

    This is a great post. The inner critic is a demon we all have to bear, it is not always easy to live with, but beat that bugger down and things are great.

  18. thesingleswan
    September 22, 2017 / 10:38 pm

    Why is it that the inner critic comes out in force after a baby? It took me ages to suppress mine. It is a tough gig being a parent. It is not until we become a parent that we figure out how we will cope. Pen x #coolmumclub

    • September 25, 2017 / 5:39 pm

      Yes it really is so tough. We seem to lose a lot of confidence in that first year. Thanks for reading lovely x

  19. September 24, 2017 / 8:51 am

    Love love love it. Such a beautiful way to visualise our demons and find ways to banish them. Note to self – don’t feed the demons. #dreamteam

  20. September 24, 2017 / 10:32 am

    Great blog, very cleverly written. What a great spin on those hard early days of parenting. I think all parents can relate to this one.

  21. September 24, 2017 / 7:54 pm

    Yes! What a gorgeous story 🙂 This really resonates – I still get sucked into that vacuum of Auntie Google telling me I’m doing it all wrong… but 10 months down the line, I now have the confidence in myself and my baby to do my own thing #dreamteam

  22. September 25, 2017 / 9:18 am

    I always think even if you’ve never been a mum before you still know best because you’re their mum! #twinklytuesday

  23. September 25, 2017 / 11:22 am

    I BLOODY love this!!!!!! This is me to a T if I am not careful and kind to myself – mindfulness really helps me with that. Loved the humour too xx #fortheloveofBLOG xx

  24. September 26, 2017 / 2:41 pm

    I really enjoyed this. It’s the story of my first baby for sure. I worried so much – really looking back it was ridiculous. But I also didn’t feel well myself and I think that makes it worse. The first few months are kind of like a haze of worry and not feeling great. Thanks for sharing with us at #BloggerClubUK x

    • September 26, 2017 / 8:31 pm

      Thank you lovely. It’s such a crazy time of upheaval, I think it’s so reassuring to know that so many of us feel the same way xx

  25. September 27, 2017 / 9:56 pm

    Excellent! Am sure this will resonate with many, if not all mums! I was definitely beholden to the wicked witch Google in the early months. Thanks for sharing! <3

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