You’ve thought long and hard about it and finally come to the decision that it’s time to take the leap and try for a baby.
You’re already talking about what names you like, what kind of parents you want to be and what the nursery should look like.
Yes this is an exciting time, kids are wonderful, most of the time.
But before you celebrate that special wee-on-a-stick moment, there are a few things you need to do first. Take it from someone with a life sentence, you can thank me later.
1. Have a conversation
This won’t be happening when the baby arrives, unless it’s to debate whether the nursery is too hot or too cold.
2. Go somewhere, anywhere
Go to Australia. Go to New York. Go to bloody Bognor, just go somewhere just the two of you.
3. Daytime drinking
You’re not doing it because you’re alcoholics, you’re doing it because you can! Pick a day when a sporting event is on, something for grown-ups, and mingle with your fellow child-free and carefree people. Or why not just grab lunch and share a bottle of wine.
4. Spontaneous night out
When the baby arrives all plans will need to be finalised in writing between the two of you at least six months in advance so you can find someone to babysit.
5. Lazy day in bed
Do not get out of bed, even if you need to wee. Just savour the freedom, the luxurious freedom, of doing sweet f**k all.
You won’t be seeing a non-Disney film for at least another 10 years. Get your Tarantino fix now.
7. Appreciate your clean home
Take a good, long look around your neat and tidy house. You will want to remember what it used to look like.
8. Sit in silence
While conversation may be due after having a baby, you would equally appreciate total silence for more than five seconds.
They do say that the greatest sign of true love is when you say nothing at all.
9. Enjoy full ownership of your home
When the baby comes their stuff will multiply and spread across all corners of every room. Make sure you appreciate every bit of space while you can.
10. Watch grown-up TV shows
Soon all you will be watching is Peppa Pig on loop until you’re ready to gouge your own eyes out with the TV remote. Get The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad or Stranger Things on TV and refer to item number 5.
11. Leave the house
Just stand up and walk out of the house. Really take the time to appreciate just how simple that was.
12. Cook a meal
Find an exciting recipe so you can do some experimenting in the kitchen. Drink wine and maybe even have a go at making a creme brûlée.
Soon the only thing you will be cooking is alphabetti spaghetti.
13. Wear white clothes
Got a favourite white top? Wear it every day while you still can. White is like a magnet for sticky fingers.
14. Take pictures
Soon the only photos you will be taking will be of your baby. Take pictures together so you can remember what you looked like before you aged 10 years overnight.
15. See your friends
Make time for your closest friends so they have a clear memory of when you used to be normal and didn’t start every conversation with “Little Billy did the funniest thing today…”
16. Take a walk
Luxuriate in the fact that you haven’t had to bring everything but the kitchen sink out with you.
The couple that sleeps together, survives together. Rest now and hope you can store up energy reserves for when your little sleep thief arrives.
Tick all these things off the list and you can guarantee parenthood will be a breeze*.
*Disclaimer: There are no guarantees, returns or refunds when it comes to parenthood.
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