Judging mama

They say you shouldn’t judge anyone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

I say you shouldn’t judge a fellow parent until you’ve been sleep deprived because of a tiny night owl for six months.

I’ve seen a couple of posts and pretty mean stuff online this week and it’s really got me down. Fellow parents judging others for having an opinion or for daring to complain that motherhood is quite tough at times. Why can’t we women stick together?

Bullies

I know bullying existed before the invention of the internet and social media but I feel it gives bullies a greater feeling of confidence and as a result their behaviour gets even nastier. Things they would never dream of saying to someone’s face, they happily write online from behind the safety of a screen or smartphone without batting an eyelid.

These bullies exist on a Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, parenting chat rooms and other little corners of the web. They take you by surprise with their sheer rage and bile they spew when responding to a post about why floral rompers are cute in the summer.

What these bullies don’t seem to realise is it’s fine to have an opinion. We don’t agree with everyone all the time, the world would be a massively dull place if we did.

Difference of opinion

But you can have a difference of opinion to someone else without being a total twat about it.

Instead of: “These lazy mums don’t know what the f**k they’re talking about, my baby’s sleeping through and she’s only two weeks old. They’re just attention-seeking idiots.”
Try: “I haven’t had these problems. It sounds really tough.”

Not so hard is it? Just because you’re not having the same experience as another mum, it doesn’t mean she’s done anything wrong. And why do you feel the need to tear a fellow woman down even more when she’s already having a hard time.

I was stunned at the abuse hurled at Toby and Roo blogger Harriet, who wrote a post about DNA engineering to prevent disabilities. All she was saying was she would want the power to cure her kids of a life-limiting or debilitating condition if she had the power. She wasn’t saying people with disabilities are less or shouldn’t be allowed to live.

As a result of the total misinterpretation the venom got out of control towards someone who never comes across as anything other than lovely when she interacts with others online.

Then I saw this from Life Love & Dirty Dishes from a new mum having a pop at us whining parents who complain about how hard our babies are. She was just two weeks in when she wrote it, so her baby hadn’t even had a chance to wake up properly following the ordeal of labour. Here it is:

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I would like to see her follow-up remarks after another four weeks.

A message

To the women who judge us fellow parents:

You’re absolutely right, we’re not perfect. Neither are you.

Every mum, every baby and every day is different.

Everyone vents their problems differently, some do it by chatting with their neighbour over the fence and some write about it online. If you don’t want to read it, don’t click it.

Some days a mum can work miracles on just four hours of sleep. Some days she can’t get off the sofa.

Some women have very supportive partners and families. Some are going it alone.

Don’t assume you know everything about parenting, even when you’re years into the game. You don’t.

And finally, what your mama said was true. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.

When women band together, support each other and realise that you can disagree without being a total d**k about it, then I think we really could run the world.

Above all, let’s just be a little bit kinder to each other.

V
X

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13 Comments

  1. August 10, 2017 / 9:56 am

    I have just written a post on the exact same thing so found this intriguing. You are so right. arent we all in this together? isnt that the whole point? Makes me so angry when we judge each other, we all need to add a dose of kindness to our words xx
    #stayclassymama

      • August 10, 2017 / 9:36 pm

        It’s in drafts, will be published on Friday, thankyou! x

  2. popcornforlunch
    August 11, 2017 / 9:51 am

    Love this Vicky! Love love love!! My mum always said that and it’s the rule I live by! WHY be nasty? Why hurt someone so deliberately?! I’ve been lucky to have had only a few very mild negative comments on posts to date but hey still stung! And they just sounded so careless you could just tell that the authors had no idea the hurt they were going to cause. The world would be better if everyone just tried to be nice!!! Going to share this on my FB page and on Twitter lovely xx #Blogstravaganza

    • August 11, 2017 / 10:09 am

      Ah bless you! That’s made my day. I absolutely hate online trolling, I think people don’t realise at all how much a mean comment can linger. Your mum is clearly very wise! Sorry to hear you’ve had some negative idiots on your blog, I don’t know why people love to tear others down. You’ve clearly risen above which is spot on xx

  3. August 11, 2017 / 10:32 am

    I agree that we’re all different, that’s what makes us all special! #Blogstravaganza

  4. August 11, 2017 / 10:55 am

    Yes, yes, yes! I couldn’t have said it better myself. What is the point in being horrible? Why on earth do people feel the need to judge? I read that comment and just thought, ‘good for you, but I certainly didn’t feel like that at 2 weeks pp’. Everyone has a different experience. Everyone. And when people share the less-than-glamorous times on social media, it helps the rest of us enormously to know we’re not alone. I agree with Popcorn (sorry, Jemma!), if you don’t have anything nice to say, why bother? What do you gain by hurting people? Will be sharing the s*** out of this to help spread the message. And thank you for linking up with #Blogstravaganza

    • August 11, 2017 / 11:17 am

      I felt awful after the first day! I felt like death after two weeks. But everyone is different, I would love to know her secret! I suspect it was a different story a few weeks later. Thanks so much for your kind words, really appreciate it xxx

  5. August 11, 2017 / 12:40 pm

    Very well written and well said. Completely agree. We need to be building each other up and respect everyone’s experiences. One mum may have had a bad day, another a bad month or year. It doesn’t diminish that mum’s struggle for the day or make her feel it any less. If we were all the same life would be boring! Xx

  6. August 11, 2017 / 9:50 pm

    I’ve recently written a post sharing stories of when people have been judged by others and it just isn’t right on any level. What are we teaching are children when we are judging each other. Some days my house is clean other days I struggle to get the washing up done, but you know what, if my kids need me to sit and hug them guess what I’m going to do. My house can wait. We need to be a kinder world then what we currently are and I hope I can teach my children that…… #TriumphantTales

  7. August 12, 2017 / 12:30 pm

    At two week postpartum I was a mess, with the first and the second. I mean if this person didn’t feel like that, then good for her, she’s a minority though and should absolutely have more respect for everyone else. Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I wouldn’t have gotten through this far, if it wasn’t for the support of fellow mums making me feel less alone. If you don’t have anything nice to say, pipe it! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx

    • August 12, 2017 / 8:11 pm

      Thanks for hosting! Yeah I totally agree, why say anything at all? I just hate this need to bash other women x

  8. August 14, 2017 / 6:51 pm

    Oh god these parents make me so angry. Why must they be so cruel and so misinformed? The word lazy is completely wrong, we are being REAL, parenthood is hard and sometimes you don’t have enough time in the day to do everything perfectly so we do what we can and that is OK and talking about it makes it OK which is why we do and which is why we need less of you and more of us. A lot of mothers suffer from mental health issues and people like this prevent these mother’s from feeling normal because it’s okay to feel down and to not take a shower and to feed the kids pizza every once in a while. Literally can’t handle it! I’m so happy youve shared this thanks for much for joining with #StayClassyMama!

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