Dads are not glorified babysitters

I did not have an immaculate conception.

My children are 50/50 mine and my husband’s.

And yet when I’m popping out to meet friends for dinner, get my hair done or see a film at the cinema for a child-free treat, we both often refer to it as “daddy day care”.

We do it flippantly without really thinking about what it means. But when I analyse it, it really sends out the wrong message about who dads are in today’s society and the role they play as parents.

It’s 2017, not the 1950s. Dads don’t spend a token 30 minutes playing with their kids every Sunday while mum is slaving over a hot stove getting the roast done.

My husband plays with our kids whenever he is home, frequently does bath and bedtime, takes the children out to the park while I rest at home and cooks his share of dinners. He’s not a glorified babysitter, he’s my children’s father.

And yet, despite my feeling that we shouldn’t refer to dads as nothing more than a manny, I do think we’re kidding ourselves if we think mums and dads can divide the parenting duties perfectly in half.

My grandmother saw my other half changing our eldest daughter’s nappy when she was a few weeks old and remarked my grandfather didn’t change a single nappy. Can you imagine the reaction to such a man today? The Mumsnet chat room would implode with the rage of millions of seriously p***ed off women.

My dad was a different story. He was always very hands on with us.

And yet it’s still my mum who I can recall doing the lion’s share of the nitty gritty stuff. Making sure we had clothes, making sure we ate right, making sure we had a proper bedtime and comforting us when we cried.

It’s not that my dad wasn’t there at every step, it’s just mums seem to fall naturally into the role of primary caregiver. They get the practical organisation done and dole out the magic cuddles that make everything all better.

Is it a case of too many cooks spoil the broth, I wonder? If me and my other half were both up at the same time in the night debating what method we think should be used to make our baby go the f**k to sleep then I can guarantee no sleep would be achieved for anyone.

The fact is most mums and dads approach and experience child-rearing differently, both mentally and physically.

I carried our babies, delivered them safely into the world and then had to get to grips with breastfeeding a hungry newborn 24/7. I was knackered and emotional for at least the first six months with both kids.

I worried more about what could go wrong. Is the baby too hot or too cold? Is the baby eating enough? What the hell is that rash? Would giving formula ruin breastfeeding for us?

Although my husband does worry, he doesn’t sweat the details anywhere near as much as me.

Dads don’t have boobs, so unless you’re mixed feeding they can’t contribute in that department. Although my other half loves our kids just as much as me, unfortunately for him there are times when only mummy will do.

It’s mummy who babies recognise the most from their smell and voice, it’s mummy who can dispense the white stuff on demand and its mummy who comforts inconsolable babies through most of the sleepless nights.

And when it comes to my toddler, when she wants comfort or gets asked who she wants to take her to bed, she always says me. She also picks me when she needs her nappy changing, which is like the s***test compliment ever. .

So I needed him to be my support. To keep me going so I could care for our babies. Sometimes that meant stepping up to take over for part of the night. But mostly it meant enabling me to get sleep when I could and doing a lot of housework.

I acknowledge that every family has a different set-up, different work situations and different backgrounds. But it seems to me women just naturally fall into this primary caregiver role, no matter how militantly feminist we are.

Ultimately it’s what you and your other half feel comfortable with. If everyone is pulling their weight around the house in some way, then most couples are going to be pretty happy.

So I’m calling for an end to the “daddy day care” label in our house. And I would like to dodge a few more nappy changes in future too.

Do you divide the parenting duties 50/50 in your house? Does your other half do as many night feeds as you? I would love to hear how you approach this in your house.

V

X

Rhyming with Wine

8 Comments

  1. August 7, 2017 / 9:21 pm

    Absolutely agree with this. We can’t give birth or breastfeed but we can and should be bottle-feeding in the middle of the night and dads can do everything else. It’s great so many men are more hands on these days. My dad, like in your post, never changed a nappy and wasn’t really there for the cuddles. The only thing I’d disagree with is that dads don’t worry as much. I think that’s just a personality thing as I know I worry just as much about our boys. In terms of who they turn to it’s interesting that our first boy was mainly looked after by my wife until he was nearly three due to her being on two years of mat leave out of three (due to having our second) so he tends to want ‘mummy cuddles’ when he’s sad. But since I became a full-time dad it’s been me who our second boy sees as his primary carer. So he tends to come to me when he’s upset, which is lovely. I think it’s impossible to split things 50/50 but as you say as long as you know each other’s strengths and back each other you can’t go wrong.

    • August 7, 2017 / 9:30 pm

      Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. I think you’re right about it being a personality thing. It’s not that my other half never worries, he just doesn’t go on and on like I do! I think it’s brilliant that you’ve found a way that works for your family and it is interesting who the kids turn to when it’s all got a bit much.

  2. August 8, 2017 / 7:47 am

    Yes I know exactly what you mean with this, dads don’t ‘babysit’ their own children but we do use terms flippantly sometimes. My other half does exactly the same as me with the children but just not as much as he works full time and I work part time. When the children ask for me if they fall down, want comfort or be taken to bed I think it does bother him a little bit which is only natural but I spend more time with them during the week so it’s not personal. I wonder if as we go on more dads will choose to be the stay at home parent? x #DreamTeam

  3. August 8, 2017 / 4:15 pm

    My mummy has been super ill in hospital recently and my daddy has been a lifesaver for nearly 6 months – he’s taken on the role of being mummy and daddy and we are so thankful to him for his patience. We get really angry when people joke around ‘daddy daycare’ and daddy babysitting duties as a lot of dads go above and beyond. xx Popping over from #DreamTeam

    • August 9, 2017 / 4:25 am

      Ah I hope you feel better very very soon, glad dad has been such a superstar! X

  4. August 10, 2017 / 6:09 pm

    I can absolutely relate to this post. Our family is quite “old fashioned” in that I do pretty much all of the household related and family chores, cooking, washing etc. My hubby has never had to do it and so doesn’t really give it a thought. That being said I only work 2 days a week and so I’m comfortable doing the lion’s share so that we can enjoy more family time together at weekends and evenings. He has recently had to take the reins for a few weeks while I’ve had surgery though and he has picked up the reins brilliantly. When he needs to he’s all over it, and he’s a brilliant dad 100% of the time. Interesting read! Thanks for linking to #DreamTeam x

    • August 10, 2017 / 7:43 pm

      Yes I would say we’re a bit old fashioned too at the moment. Not sure how it will work when I go back to my job full time. Thanks for reading and hosting xx

  5. susielhawes
    August 14, 2017 / 7:38 pm

    Great post. I agree with a lot of it. Like you say we’d be horrified if they didn’t change nappies, but at the end of the day if we are breastfeeding or the ones on maternity leave doing everything for them the majority of the day, our bond is closer to some extent (in my opinion) and that means we are the first to kiss them better and the ones they tend to go to when they are ill. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Other than maybe more sleep!! #DreamTeam

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