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Don’t you just looooove motherhood? No Kate, sod off!

There are no babies in our house any more. But my kids are addicted to CBeebies’ The Baby Club with Giovanna Fletcher.

I can’t get the theme song out of my head. The girls stare at it with their mouths open wide. It’s like a weird vortex they stare into. I think Gi has secret child-hypnosis powers (that’s something she needs to do a different show about and pass on her secret to the rest of us). 

The thing is though, it’s not like any other baby group I’ve ever seen!

On the one hand you’ve got the perky group leader, either Gi or Nigel Clark, that’s pretty accurate. 

That’s where the similarities end. Let’s take a look at the differences: 

1. Baby Bear is immaculate

That bear should be covered in snot, poo and milk. Instead he’s pristine. Those babies are sitting there desperate to have a chew on his nose and Gi has an iron grip on him!

2. The mums all have amazing hair and make-up

Who has time to do hair and make-up before a 10am baby group, when you’re sleep deprived and when you’ve had to change the baby’s nappy 10 times already. 

The best we can hope for is a messy bun. They also look well-rested. How is this possible? Did CBeebies take their babies for a few hours so that they could catch up on sleep? Is there a Gi daycare attached to the Baby Club? We need to know. 

3. No one is wrestling with a screaming baby in the background

There’s always at least a few mums who can’t actually take part in any of the baby group activities because their little one picked this specific half-hour to go thermo-nuclear. 

There’s always a few mums on the edge of the circle trying to wrestle a baby onto a nipple while complaining about cluster feeding. 

4. The mums are paying attention

Baby groups are about gossiping with the mum next to you while vaguely waving a rattle in your baby’s general direction. 

5. None of the babies are crying

Some of them are asleep at the end! When does this happen?

6. It’s so tidy

There aren’t toys flung left and right, Gi isn’t wearing half the sensory basket of props. 

7. The toys all look brand new

Baby groups are like a jumble sale without tables. Kids wonder from “sensory area” to “sensory area” digging through old silk scarves, rattles that are 10 years old and noisy toys that gave up years ago. 

8. The songs stick in your head ALL day

Actually that one is 100 per cent accurate. 

9. Everyone at The Baby Club is always on time

This just never happens. It’s like watching a parallel universe. In reality, there’s always a few who turn up 10 minutes late because of a up-the-back poo/vomit incident/forgotten dummy/leaky boob incident. 

10. It’s rated U

I have to watch what I say around the girls these days, otherwise I’m “that mum who indirectly taught the entire pre-school the F-word”. 

However at a baby group, you can F and blind as much as you like, because the babies have zero clue what the word is and won’t be parroting it back to their little friends any time soon. 

For that reason, it’s just unrealistic that no one in The Baby Club can be heard saying: “Fuck me I’m fucking knackered. I feel like shit run over.”

Disclaimer: We love you and your show Gi, this was just for fun!